Kids have the potential to be successful in (most) anything they choose to do. First, they need to build resilience. Because, as we all know, there is no such thing as overnight success – it takes a lot of commitment, overcoming obstacles, and hard work to get there. All of which requires resilience. And we build resilience through experience. In this article, I outline 20 key experiences for kids to build resilience.
Resilience: The bounce back factor
Resilience is our ability to bounce back and, ideally, grow, after a setback. Resilient kids can effectively manage everyday stress and work through tough situations, such as adjusting to a new school, persisting on a hard task until it’s done, solving a challenging problem, working through a friendship fire, or studying for a big test.
When resilience is low, kids have a hard time responding to stress in helpful ways. For example, kids may withdraw; engage in emotional meltdowns; become angry, defiant, resentful, and/or aggressive; or develop depression or anxiety.
However, when resilience is high, kids tend to be assertive, take initiative, show empathy, carry responsibility well, have a positive outlook, do things independently but will ask for help when they need it, and show interest in school. Resilient kids are willing to take risks. When they do, they get direct experience proving that they can work through a challenge or cope with stress or master a new skill. They learn they have the ability to do what they put their mind to.
Fortunately, all kids can develop resilience. However, this is not a do-it-yourself endeavour; kids cannot build resilience on their own. Kids need the right environment. They need high quality relationships within and outside of the family, adult help, and a supportive environment. And, they need lots of the right opportunities and experiences to build resilience. Here are 20 key experiences that help kids build resilience.
Note: This is a lengthy article. Therefore, I have outlined each key experience here and links to read more about areas you would like to focus more on. However, I have provided each experience in sequential order to follow, as some experiences build on previous ones.
1. Teach your kids about resilience and what it actually takes to build it
Before anything, it is important to first learn about resilience. Although there is so much talk about resilience, this concept is often misunderstood. Therefore, it is critical to truly understand what resilience is and how it develops. Read more…
2. Make it personal
To make resilience personal, use everyday examples of how they have already started to build resilience, such as learning to ride a bike. Kids have lived through experiences where, even if they fell off their bike, they got back on and learned to ride. And now, riding a bike is easy! Read more…
3. Prepare for future resilience opportunities
Once kids know that they can build resilience by 1. Facing tough situations and 2. Getting help to be successful, it is time to brainstorm ways to keep the resilience growing. Read more…
4. Highlight Strengths
Now that your child fully understands that building resilience means facing challenges and asking for/receiving help, you can now talk about a third key ingredient: Using our personal strengths. Read more…
5. Make connections between strengths and challenges
Kids have multiple self-esteems. They all have things they are interested in and feel good at. Where they might not feel great in one area, they likely feel strong in others. However, a lot of them don’t see that how their strengths in one area can help them in other areas. Which is why we need to help them see the connection between how their strengths in one area can help them face challenges in others. Read more…
6. Create a mantra: Try. And try again.
Once your kids know that facing challenges, asking for help, and drawing on their strengths help build resilience, they need to remember to keep going whenever the going gets hard. Because in the heat of the moment, it is easy to forget everything we have learned, that we have strengths, that we have been successful before, and that we can be successful again. And when we do, we tend to give up, act out, or run away. Read more…
7. Find a Lucky Charm
Sometimes when learning a mantra to keep going with something hard, it is helpful to have some sort of touchstone (or physical action, like a fist pump) to remind them to use their mantra in the first place. Athletes sometimes have lucky charm, like a specific sock that they must wear to win. Even though we know it is really not the lucky sock that helps them win, it is the athletes’ belief that they will win that guides them to put in 100% effort and to do their very best. Read more…
8. Make a Compliment Board
Establish a place in the home where everyone in the family can write or draw a compliment for someone else in the family. Using sticky notes or note cards work great (rather than writing it on a white board) so kids can keep the compliment (and maybe even add it to their strengths board). Read more…
9. Embrace Mistakes
Making (and fixing) mistakes and even failing are a critical part of building resilience. However, how kids think about their mistakes makes the difference between becoming more resilient or vulnerable. Even if kids THINK they can learn from their mistakes, try again, try harder, fix it, and/or move on, their brain automatically reacts differently; they are motivated to keep trying. AND, their brain actually becomes stronger to learn new things and to cope with new challenges. Read more…
10. Challenge Them
As noted elsewhere, resilience requires kids to be challenged. They need to be exposed to risky, adverse situations. As parents, we typically believe we need to protect our kids from these situations. Unfortunately, when we do, we weaken our kids’ resilience. We limit their brain development. Weaken their immunity to stress. Stunt their confidence. Impair their ability to problem solve effectively. Read more…
11. Boost Independence
In addition to creating opportunities to challenge our kids, we need to promote their independence by giving more responsibility and increasing our expectations about what they can do for themselves. Kids in North America have less responsibility than anywhere else in the world and have more trouble maturing than others. We need to close this gap. Read more…
12. Get Connected
Being connected is the most important ingredient to building resilience. Resilient kids are not completely independent kids. Resilient kids have lots of supportive people in their lives who need and value them. and feel they are valued and needed. Therefore, get them connected. Read more…
13. Make Contributions
Resilient kids feel like they are valued and have something to offer. Therefore, create opportunities for them to contribute to the family, school, and community. Read more…
14. Have a Family Meeting
Knowing how to communicate effectively and solving interpersonal conflicts are important skills for anyone. They help build assertiveness and resilience, strengthen self-regulation, and establish strong and respectful relationships with others. Read more…
15. Delay Gratification
One major limitation in developing resilience is the instant gratification the world has created for our kids. Because of this, our kids are easily bored. They give up easily. And they get frustrated when they can’t have something now. Read more…
16. Practice Gratitude
We have all heard about the power of gratitude. And in all honestly, this emotion is actually critical for resilience, along with a whole host of other long-term benefits. Being grateful helps kids realize the resources they have in themselves and in their world, which is essential for resilience. Read more…
17. Create Healthy Habits
Resilient kids live healthfully. Eating, sleeping, physical activity, and self-care are all important parts of living healthfully. Focus on one area and the others are sure to follow. Read more…
18. Keep Trying New Things
Exposing your kids to new experiences and trying new things are great ways to challenge your kids. Read more…
19. Create daily reminders of successes
Although you can reminisce about past successes, kids forget. (Actually, we all do from time to time.) Kids need to have ongoing reminders about mistakes they made, challenges they faced, and successes they achieved. Read more…
20. Role Model
You are the best teachers. Role model. All of the above.
